She had Alzheimer's and I suppose she decided it was time. She could no longer read, watch TV or even remember where she was.
She still remembered me and I hope I was a comfort when I stopped trying to make her eat. I wish she had been a properly religious person so we could sing hymns at a funeral - but she wasn't. I wish she had had more friends. All her enjoyments were quite solitary.
Monday 19 December 2016
Sunday 20 November 2016
Charles Dickens - a life by Claire Tomalin
I took up this book after watching "The Invisible Woman" which I found a really terrible film. There is hardly any dialogue and lots of shots of women staring miserably out of the window, or at each other. It's by Abi Morgan, but it is no good at all. But it did make me curious about Dickens (who was played in the film by Ralph Fiennes (very good)).
This is a terrific life of Dickens which goes some way to evaluating his works as well as telling the story of what he did. His childhood was blighted by having vey irresponsible parents. But he took to journalism and then to writing stories that would sell magazines. He was a very adventurous traveller. He loved putting on plays and he loved the theatre and the people of the theatre. He loved excursions, booze and parties, and had some great friends whom he loved. He had a great need to walk for 8 miles or so around London every day, or further - sometimes much further. And he was a great worker. When he really needed to work, he worked extremely hard.
Some of this endless action must have come from great sexual energy, and he kept his wife pregnant most of the time. She had 10 children who lived, and one baby died in infancy. Dickens seems not to have loved these children very much. He sent the boys to France to school all except the eldest, who was educated at Eton, where he didn't shine. Dickens could see the need for education but he couldn't find the kind that would be useful to his sons and daughters. Only one son seemed bright, and that was the youngest, called Henry, who went to Oxford, and became a lawyer. Dickens was really proud of him, and taught him shorthand, which he thought would be useful to him at lectures. The rest of his family was a flock of dependents. He had dependent parents, (his father was a scoundrel). dependent brothers and sisters, and a dependent wife and sister-in-law, and a huge brood of non-earning children.
On top of these, Dickens took on the care of fallen women, in a fallen women's home. He did this with a rich friend of his, Miss Coutts, and there was always a manager of the home too. The aim of the enterprise was to reform the fallen women, and teach them wifely skills and habits, so that they could go out to the colonies (including South Africa) and marry men who needed them. Claire Tomalin estimates that this was a very successful enterprise. Not all the women stayed to be reformed, and if they broke the rules they were forced to go, but the attempt at reform succeeded in many cases and the home did very useful work.
All this ended when Dickens was a rich and famous man in his fifties. Suddenly, he wanted more out of his sex life than his habitual life with Catherine. When he met the Ternan sisters - an acting family - but respectable - he changed his whole life. He left his wife. He risked becoming an outcast, and indeed, by the standards of the day he should have become an outcast. He blamed his wife for the ending of the marriage and he was very secretive about the exact nature of his relationship with Nelly Ternan.
The poor girl! She was 18 when she met the great man and clearly she wanted very much to say "No" to him. But he was so persistent and got the whole family so much in his debt by doing them all favours (especially having her sister's voice trained) that I suppose she felt that she must say Yes. So Dickens hid her away in France for a while (he loved France) and then he set her up in a house in Peckham. And she was his mistress for a few days a week until he died.
(She was then 32. Luckily she looked much younger, So she pretended she was much younger, and that she had known Dickens when she was a child (I suppose the whole family had to join in this deception) and she married a man 12 years younger than herself who didn't know her history of consorting with Dickens. He was a clergyman. )
So, Dickens. He was a great man. He was an extraordinary man. But at some point he decided he could have whatever he wanted, and therefore he behaved abominably to a young girl who had no man to defend her. Yes, in later years they must have had some happiness. But it involved him being intensely cruel to a wife who had done nothing whatever wrong, except bore him and grow quite fat. He made his cruel reasons for leaving her very public. He was also very heartless to his sons.
Fascinating man, and in many ways a very good one.
This is a terrific life of Dickens which goes some way to evaluating his works as well as telling the story of what he did. His childhood was blighted by having vey irresponsible parents. But he took to journalism and then to writing stories that would sell magazines. He was a very adventurous traveller. He loved putting on plays and he loved the theatre and the people of the theatre. He loved excursions, booze and parties, and had some great friends whom he loved. He had a great need to walk for 8 miles or so around London every day, or further - sometimes much further. And he was a great worker. When he really needed to work, he worked extremely hard.
Some of this endless action must have come from great sexual energy, and he kept his wife pregnant most of the time. She had 10 children who lived, and one baby died in infancy. Dickens seems not to have loved these children very much. He sent the boys to France to school all except the eldest, who was educated at Eton, where he didn't shine. Dickens could see the need for education but he couldn't find the kind that would be useful to his sons and daughters. Only one son seemed bright, and that was the youngest, called Henry, who went to Oxford, and became a lawyer. Dickens was really proud of him, and taught him shorthand, which he thought would be useful to him at lectures. The rest of his family was a flock of dependents. He had dependent parents, (his father was a scoundrel). dependent brothers and sisters, and a dependent wife and sister-in-law, and a huge brood of non-earning children.
On top of these, Dickens took on the care of fallen women, in a fallen women's home. He did this with a rich friend of his, Miss Coutts, and there was always a manager of the home too. The aim of the enterprise was to reform the fallen women, and teach them wifely skills and habits, so that they could go out to the colonies (including South Africa) and marry men who needed them. Claire Tomalin estimates that this was a very successful enterprise. Not all the women stayed to be reformed, and if they broke the rules they were forced to go, but the attempt at reform succeeded in many cases and the home did very useful work.
All this ended when Dickens was a rich and famous man in his fifties. Suddenly, he wanted more out of his sex life than his habitual life with Catherine. When he met the Ternan sisters - an acting family - but respectable - he changed his whole life. He left his wife. He risked becoming an outcast, and indeed, by the standards of the day he should have become an outcast. He blamed his wife for the ending of the marriage and he was very secretive about the exact nature of his relationship with Nelly Ternan.
The poor girl! She was 18 when she met the great man and clearly she wanted very much to say "No" to him. But he was so persistent and got the whole family so much in his debt by doing them all favours (especially having her sister's voice trained) that I suppose she felt that she must say Yes. So Dickens hid her away in France for a while (he loved France) and then he set her up in a house in Peckham. And she was his mistress for a few days a week until he died.
(She was then 32. Luckily she looked much younger, So she pretended she was much younger, and that she had known Dickens when she was a child (I suppose the whole family had to join in this deception) and she married a man 12 years younger than herself who didn't know her history of consorting with Dickens. He was a clergyman. )
So, Dickens. He was a great man. He was an extraordinary man. But at some point he decided he could have whatever he wanted, and therefore he behaved abominably to a young girl who had no man to defend her. Yes, in later years they must have had some happiness. But it involved him being intensely cruel to a wife who had done nothing whatever wrong, except bore him and grow quite fat. He made his cruel reasons for leaving her very public. He was also very heartless to his sons.
Fascinating man, and in many ways a very good one.
Wednesday 16 November 2016
My mother and my father
My mother and my father are not well. My mother has Alzheimer's and is now in a Care Home and may starve herself to death - she sometimes eats and drinks and sometimes she doesn't. She just lies with her face to the wall. This is so awful for everyone concerned. The doctor says we won't force her to eat, or put a tube down her throat, just persuade her. He has seen these cases before.
My father is in Scotland. He is dying from the toes upwards - has 3 dead toes and ulcerated legs. I won't go into it but he is likely to die of heart failure. But he is sitting up reading the Times and he is in his right mind.
I have not seen my father for 5 years and I think I should like to take my offspring and go and see him.
My father is in Scotland. He is dying from the toes upwards - has 3 dead toes and ulcerated legs. I won't go into it but he is likely to die of heart failure. But he is sitting up reading the Times and he is in his right mind.
I have not seen my father for 5 years and I think I should like to take my offspring and go and see him.
Friday 11 November 2016
The New Politics
I disagree with Jonathan Pie Sweary bastard that the Left got it all wrong - although, with Mrs Clinton, they did. She called Trump supporters "a basket of deplorables"! Ah, respect your opposition. Respect the task you have to do. I don't think she did.
I think people who are so clever and sharp like Jonathan Pie don't understand that there are people out there who don't like being made to think, who just vote with their gut. Those were the people that Trump engaged. Jonathan Pie thinks the Left should take their arguments to them in a more active way. I think he's onto a lost cause there. I mean, if they liked thinking they would have got degrees, maybe? They kind of thing they think is that all arguments are sophisticated and for the elite and clever people will take their voice away.
If you look at "Brave New World" you can see a lot of this predicted. There are people in BNW who are bred not to argue and do the dirty work, and they are given endless entertainment - feelies, orgies, porn - so they are always distracted from reality and never really connect with other people, there is no point in anyone empathising with anyone else. And it works fine! There is a dictator who decides what's good for them, and his priority is the capitalist system. People exist to keep the capitalist system going. The problem is the few people who, in spite of all the conditioning, and lack of individuality, want something more from life: a deeper connection. Those people who emphasise with the less fortunate and want to go beyond animal pleasures. Now these seem to be about half of the people and in BNW it's a very small minority, easily dealt with.
Avoiding this scenario worsening depends on change coming from the young - often they are open-minded. (They liked Bernie Sanders, they like Jeremy Corbyn). It all depends on good educators and parents. I don't have much hope for us all.
I think people who are so clever and sharp like Jonathan Pie don't understand that there are people out there who don't like being made to think, who just vote with their gut. Those were the people that Trump engaged. Jonathan Pie thinks the Left should take their arguments to them in a more active way. I think he's onto a lost cause there. I mean, if they liked thinking they would have got degrees, maybe? They kind of thing they think is that all arguments are sophisticated and for the elite and clever people will take their voice away.
If you look at "Brave New World" you can see a lot of this predicted. There are people in BNW who are bred not to argue and do the dirty work, and they are given endless entertainment - feelies, orgies, porn - so they are always distracted from reality and never really connect with other people, there is no point in anyone empathising with anyone else. And it works fine! There is a dictator who decides what's good for them, and his priority is the capitalist system. People exist to keep the capitalist system going. The problem is the few people who, in spite of all the conditioning, and lack of individuality, want something more from life: a deeper connection. Those people who emphasise with the less fortunate and want to go beyond animal pleasures. Now these seem to be about half of the people and in BNW it's a very small minority, easily dealt with.
Avoiding this scenario worsening depends on change coming from the young - often they are open-minded. (They liked Bernie Sanders, they like Jeremy Corbyn). It all depends on good educators and parents. I don't have much hope for us all.
Monday 31 October 2016
Custard Cream
My mother, who has dementia, has been starving for weeks - not forgetting to eat but actually refusing all food as though she wanted to spite everyone, to spite the world, to fast in a negative sense, to ultimately die, like an anorexic. So she is in hospital.
She has a catheter and an occasional drip as she often refuses to drink as well. She has been treated for a mouth infection (candida) and (at last!) a Urine Tract Infection has been diagnosed, and the treatment is being administered by medicine. There was some talk of putting a tube down through her nose to her stomach and feeding her that way.
But today there was a packet of custard creams, with two missing, on her table. I idly wondered where the missing ones were. "Who ate the custard creams?" I asked her.
"I suppose I did." she said.
"Do you want another one?" I asked, giving it to her.
"Oh OK." she said, and put out her hand from under the covers, and took it and crunched a bit off.
I was so happy! Ha, HA!
And I thought many things, about how you don't know why you love your crazy old person who so often has you in despair, but nevertheless you do; and without meaning to at all, they can make you happy, sometimes, by just being themselves. And I did not envy my brothers who don't try to have any kind of relationship with her, or have any responsibility for her, because they are missing this extra little bit of life with its bittersweet emotions. It is like another parenthood. There should be a name for it like - mother mothering.
She has a catheter and an occasional drip as she often refuses to drink as well. She has been treated for a mouth infection (candida) and (at last!) a Urine Tract Infection has been diagnosed, and the treatment is being administered by medicine. There was some talk of putting a tube down through her nose to her stomach and feeding her that way.
But today there was a packet of custard creams, with two missing, on her table. I idly wondered where the missing ones were. "Who ate the custard creams?" I asked her.
"I suppose I did." she said.
"Do you want another one?" I asked, giving it to her.
"Oh OK." she said, and put out her hand from under the covers, and took it and crunched a bit off.
I was so happy! Ha, HA!
And I thought many things, about how you don't know why you love your crazy old person who so often has you in despair, but nevertheless you do; and without meaning to at all, they can make you happy, sometimes, by just being themselves. And I did not envy my brothers who don't try to have any kind of relationship with her, or have any responsibility for her, because they are missing this extra little bit of life with its bittersweet emotions. It is like another parenthood. There should be a name for it like - mother mothering.
Sunday 30 October 2016
Autumn again.
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| This is The Big Tree at the rowing club. It grows right on the point of the land where the stream rushes out and the roots are very exposed - it is a Maple. It is my favourite tree, big and gnarly, but hard to photograph.. |
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| Heather garden again, VW |
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| My son has put on weight during his stay in the USA. |
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| Heather garden, VW |
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| Acer, VW |
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| Couldn't find a label on this tree |
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| Wraysbury skiff and Punting club |
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| Acer and mushrooms |
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| Into Desborough cut, Weybridge end, autumnal poplars |
Things which might cheer one up on one's birthday
Lunch and a big bunch of flowers from JB - also a Monkees CD.
For some reason my phone is taking pix as though through a heavy mist. I had to edit the colours in the photo to get something like the flowers that I can see.
Sunday 23 October 2016
The design of the London telephone box
The London telephone box was designed by Sir Giles Gilbert Scott. Originally. The design has been modified many times.
Here you can see a view of the tomb on which the design was based - not very closely! It is Sir John Soane's tomb in Old St Pancras churchyard.
This is the design and I have to say, it looks wonderful in this imagined landscape (nothing like the churchyard that really exists as we see in the photo above.)
Here you can see a view of the tomb on which the design was based - not very closely! It is Sir John Soane's tomb in Old St Pancras churchyard.
Friday 30 September 2016
More sculptures from the Savill Gardens - my favourites
Here is another metal person - interesting because you have a form, you have the view of the garden beyond the form through the gaps, and you also have reflective material. It's very light and whimsical - life size.
News from Russia: dissidence and porn
Bad news for the right to express an opinion. There is a law in Russia that you can't protest in public about anything. On the Crossing Continents programme a reporter covered a very brave man who kept getting arrested for marching, on his own, with a placard that wasn't at all outrageous. It was such a waste of police time! and they were driving this poor man mad. One thinks of Winston Smith in 1984. Big Brother was certainly watching this poor bloke. The rest of the Russians didn't seem to care a damn that their fundamental liberties had been taken away. This is a serious programme. http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b07pj822
However, Putin has found a way to make the Russians cross.
From The Week:
However, Putin has found a way to make the Russians cross.
From The Week:
The Russian state has blocked access to free porn websites, amid much outrage. Millennials view the concept of free, readily available porn as a human right, and any attempt to suggest that they shut their eyes and try to imagine rude things with their own brains as Luddite, draconian and plain kinky. One frustrated Russian contacted the state censorship department on Twitter demanding "an alternative", and was advised: Dear Lyola, as an alternative you can meet someone in real life. There's a kernel of sense here. Turning off internet port might be character-building for our nation's youth. Perhaps experiencing 1980's style arduous sexual yearnings might stop them whining..." Grace Dent, the Independent.
Sunday 25 September 2016
Savill Gardens - Botanical 2
I somehow missed out these pictures but some of them were taken around or in the temperate house. I've never really seen the point of the temperate house but I liked it yesterday.
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| Gunnera again - they specialise in this |
Sculpures at the Savill Gardens
I am not a great photographer. I took these pictures with my phone because it has this great property; it stills the image and then takes a photo of it, which helps me because I seem to be very wobbly.
The sculptures were mainly rather twee and whimsical, and they are for sale, so if you like this sort of things you should go to the Savill gardens and go shopping this month. I'm going to post my favourites in another post.
The sculptures were mainly rather twee and whimsical, and they are for sale, so if you like this sort of things you should go to the Savill gardens and go shopping this month. I'm going to post my favourites in another post.
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| I was trying to take a pic of the family reacting to the sculptures |
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| Label for this sculpture |
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| this is meant to be a heron I think |
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