Like all teachers I suppose, at this time of year, I have a pile of exam practice papers to mark, and I am loath to get on with them because I feel I need a break, in spite of the fact that it has been raining all day. So I have not done anything workwise today except, I hope, get my sts onto the admin list for the exam and reassure, by email, student A that student B has not been complaining about him/her. Student B is just awful. He/she falls out with everyone else in the class and has been running a bitching campaign against me - I think not out of animosity but out of boredom and possibly jealousy and frustration. Naturally I feel for student A because I myself have been through exactly the same feelings of self-doubt and being undermined. Some people (like student B) are clever but in a bad way, getting other people to pass on their poisonous messages. So for two weeks I have had the stress of the mock inspection, then a big confidence crash involving the class I see most often, and a big struggle to get up and be positive again.
The person I confided in, apart from my family, is Ginny, who is a volunteer in one of the classes, and is 80 years old. She is gorgeous in a white-haired, crinkly-skinned way, and an ex-teacher herself. She is a self-taught musician who talks about doing "gigs". Both of my volunteers are lovely and encouraging, but Ginny said, when it comes to teaching we all have our own style (mine is a quiet style) and you are never going to please everyone. You can only do your best! And I just need to make sure I am doing my best, and not falling behind the game.
I need adrenaline to teach, usually, and all those surges and falls of adrenaline make me terribly tired, so today I recovered, but ate far too much sugary stuff, which is another drug to make up for feeling flat and down. Now I am drinking a really nice French red wine.
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